Undercover Matchmaking

I've recently got back from an experience that I'm not quite sure how to even interpret or identify. Honestly, it's a bit confusing. Usually when a friend sets you up with someone, you really believe they have your best interest in mind and really think you have a shot at getting along with said individual. Or so it may seem...

My good friend recently started dating this guy named *Trevor who invited her to hang out one night. The relationship is still premature, so as a good girlfriend I agreed to go with her to his BBQ. A couple of text messages were tossed around about setting me up with Trevor's roommate. I didn't really think too much about this because I'm sure this was just an easy way to get two interested people together with their friends as buffers for any awkward tension that could arise. I'm down for that, I'm a good wing woman...or so I like to think. My full logic of this entire situation is that the girl is always in full control so if things don't necessarily pan out the greatest, it's not like I lose anything. I've reasoned for this to be a win win situation so I figured if I'm helping a friend out and there's a potential benefit for me, why not? Or I'm just thinking too much and I should really just say - fuck it, let's do this.

We get to Trevor's apartment and immediately I meet his roommate *Jake and their friend *Mark. Both of the guys were extremely down to earth and great and I seemed to have gotten along with both of them pretty well. We hit off conversation but I was noticing some tension between *Jake and I. I knew it had something to do with the open fact that *Trevor was trying to set us up. Not to mention, *Trevor took a second during that night to ask me, "which one?" as if the goal was to eventually end up with someone at the end of the night. I was obviously too shy to say I had a thing for *Jake - after all....he carried this understated swag that was just so damn attractive. *Mark was more of a buddy - a brother if you will.

There were moments during the night where I spoke with *Jake for a good while - but there were also moments where there was perfect opportunity for him to flirt with me and nothing happened. I wasn't necessarily shocked, but confused. I thought we hit it off? I thought we were cool? So shouldn't he take any opportunity to get to know me a little more? The night ended with us on their balcony drinking wine together and talking about our interests which was really fun. I like having legitimate convo with  someone - but was that just it? Was it only legitimate convo? Is he just a nice guy willing to carry a conversation with a buddy's friend? How can I tell if he's interested or not? I think I genuinely find this guy interesting and would love to get to know him better but he seems to have his guard up and I have no idea why. The last I heard - he was looking and open to dating. In this scenario - how do I show interest without seeming like a complete stalker, and how do I know if he's even interested?

Needless to say, I'm pretty confused. I finally find someone interesting and I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual. I have a hunch that it is, but there's not enough open lines for communication. No number was retrieved that night. I'm so confused and  it's driving me crazy trying to 'crack the code'.

*Names were changed for privacy purposes.

Bail Out

I go through several weeks on a high about racking up the number of dates I can score for a week/weekend, and the next day when it's finally time to action item all my preparation, I bail out. I'm always wondering why this is, and for one - it certainly has nothing to do with nervousness or lack of confidence. To be honest, I'm not 100% confident but I often find myself in this "I just don't want to give it a try unless it's a for sure that I'll have a good time" type mood.

At this point, it's not even about putting myself out there - but it's legitimately about time and efficiency. If I'm working a 9-5 (read: 6a-10p) on NYC timeline, there's just not enough bargaining power with someone I've just met to really motivate me into putting in the effort to meet - let alone date a guy. I don't want to fake like someone either. So the question here is...how do you actually like like someone? Where does the effort begin and how do you know you're making the right effort?

The more and more I lull over this is that you never really truly know. Like the old adage, "everything that's worth it takes hard work and persistence." It's really hard to get yourself out of the rut and meet someone you barely even know, but the more and more you do it I assume...the more and more it becomes second nature and hopefully if you're lucky, you'll meet someone you'll click with after much "practice" of being yourself. Is this what dating is all about?

Life....please throw me a bone here.

On Drake

I was sitting at work when a friend texted me a picture of Drake on the cover of GQ, accompanied by the headlines: "Started From the Bottom." My first thoughts were: Seriously, Drake? Seriously? Phone down. Back to work. Then, as if something just ignited a curiosity fuel...I found myself having a serious urge to buy that issue of GQ, only to see what interesting tidbit he might drop in his interview.

I've never developed huge crazes for celebrities or celebrity sightings because my perspective is that they're all just people to me - unless I stumble across something they say or do that sparks my curiosity, something that gets the wheels churning in my head, and something that urges me to Google Search the shit out of until I come to terms with what I find. My celebrities are people who get me thinking...thinkers, if you will. I love thinkers, I really do. I think the world needs more of them. Anyway, the point of this is to share with you my perspective on Drake - not really of  him per say, but of my perspective on his music and his work, and how in some weird illuminati way... it can forge a  female's perspective on life, on ambition, and of course, on dating. 

I'm sure if you ask any girl out there, they'd say Drake's music really resonates with them because of "xyz": love, dating, and relationships. I'm not gonna lie, he definitely has a way with words that really does seem to capture women. That, I will give. And that, I have to admit I've fallen victim to maybe a couple of times. Maybe. But it's not so much his lines or verses about women and past relationships that get me - but it's about his lyrics on success, on making it, on fear, and on his own reflection of self that really, really get me thinking.  

One of the many things I read over and over again on dating is this whole idea of "loving yourself before you can love someone." The saying is extremely played out and mass produced at this point but honestly, I think I'm starting to understand what it really all means, and I'm going to use music to carve my point. In some of Drake's earlier work, his stuff gets extremely real. It's like a catalog of every emotion he goes through on his climb to his version of success (cue: Say What's Real). I absolutely love this. As a mid-twenties girl navigating NYC on the brink of her career, it get's pretty lonely on this journey. I'm in no way talking about men, but lonely in the sense that it's hard to find people who's on the same path/journey as you. It's the relationship you develop with yourself which consequentially becomes relationships you manifest with other people. I mean, there are definitely people you find navigating the same waters, but it's hard to make them matter when you're so focused on you. It sounds so incredibly selfish but it's 100% true - you have to absolutely love yourself before you can share some of it and open up. Finding someone going through the same motions and thoughts...that's pretty ideal. It's like having a true partner in crime. A hypeman by your side. So key...so incredibly key.

The next is about success and ambition. It's sort of rare these days to stumble across someone who shares the same version of success that you do. We grow up thinking that success is represented in material things - the money, the cars, the clothes - but it's really not. It may be a product of success, but the actual feeling of it is completely unanimous and exclusive from these things. So the question is, what is success? Everyone wants it - but it's up to the person to really find out what exactly success looks like and define it for themselves. So as an ode to all of us who want that life we dreamed of - whatever it may be - we're always preaching the line "I just want to be successful" until the day comes. And until that day comes, we're all just really trying to figure it all out. 

And finally, on dating. There are times in my single moments where I really do not care for men, or relationships in general. In fact, there are times in my single moments where I really enjoy being alone and the decisions I can make for me, and only me. Pick up and move across the country? Why not? Go on as many dates to shop around? Why not? It's all fun, and everyone loves fun. But then there are times where you want something that's a little more of substance, something real. There's always this back and forth between wanting to have a good time, and then wanting something that's real. Hypothetically, I think we all want something that's real, but at least for now, commitment is something so far out of reach - it almost doesn't make sense. So to Drake's point...I get it. I get the Marvin's Room syndrome. You feel like you're missing out on said relationships because you're so engrossed with taking care of you, which is totally fine. But you see everyone you know getting married, diving into engagements, etc...it's almost like you're missing the boat.   And then I realize I'm only 23, and that I'm really not missing any boat...so everything becomes normal again.  But it's a constant roller coaster feeling - it comes and goes - and my only answer to that is timing. Perfect timing.

A friend and I had a discussion about music the other day - how it makes us feel, and how we think music is the perfect way to really get to know someone. Not to get extremely deep, but you somehow enter their soul and learn more about a person sheerly by the type of music selection they exchange with you. It's that whole mix-tape phenomena: Guy makes girl a mix tape to suggest the way he feels about her, etc, etc. I absolutely love it. That's probably a more high-school version of a mix tape, but in adulthood, I think creating a mix-tape is more of a "getting to know you" gesture. It's a little more understated - less direct - but it's brilliant. 

Anyway, I'm a fan of Drake for his depth - totally spurs my curiosity with what he's up to next... to see if there's anything I find that resonates. And to Drake - if you're ever in the city, let's chat. 

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

I had an urge to write - seeing to it as it is July 4th and I am in no ways or means celebrating in the way any 23 year-old rightfully should. But there are times where you have to take a step back and settle in, distance yourself from the noise, and do whatever it is that makes you happy. For me, that was popping into the dvd player a bootleg version of Crazy Stupid Love, over-indulging in a brie cheeseburger that was fresh off the BBQ grill, and wishing ever so slightly that my life would gradually flow in a similar way to Emma Stone's. We all do, don't we? That's the point of these movies.

To shield this blog post from any form of first-timer movie syndrome judgement, I definitely have watched this movie numerous of times but every.single.time. I take away something new. However, the biggest takeaway I always seem to walk away with  is: It's okay to just do you. Cliche, I know... but I love this movie because of that, and just that. And with that, here is my thought process:

1. This movie reinforces DTE girls - DTE acronyms for Down To Earth. Get to know this term, as I am an avid avid fan of it. I feel like if this was an attitude that was carried out much more regularly in dating scenarios, there would be no "game playing." DTE is DTE, if the person doesn't vibe with you, you immediately know it. When you're DTE, you're able to separate what's real from what's not, what's feeling of infatuation vs.true like. It's hard to truthfully like someone in my opinion, but when you're as down to earth as Emma Stone is in that movie, I find it easy to walk away from noise and find the people you really vibe with. That's all anybody wants at the end of the day right? Someone who gets them.

2. How many Ryan Goslings exists? And by Ryan Gosling I mean men who wear slick suits with cognac Cole Haan shoes. This is a panty dropper for me. I swoon over cognac dress shoes - it's the ultimate form of manhood and any girl who is any girl will appreciate the kicks. If you're a guy, cognac shoes are instant prize winners. A well dressed, well kept man is really a rare breed. Key.

3. Depth. We all look for depth don't we? I like how this movie skims the topic of depth in relationships but doesn't go too mushy gushy with it. It's the perfect balance. With that said, I admire depth in people. It shows a lot of self-awareness, and internal reflection. It shows character - and character is something that is extremely hard to find. Correction: good character, is extremely hard to find.

4. Relationships aren't relationships, relationships are just amazing friendships that allow for sex. This is fundamental - who wouldn't want that? A best friend you can go to bed with? Now that... that right there is pure genius. Now if I can somehow magically stumble upon that, wouldn't it be nice?

It sure would.

Crazy, Stupid, Love. A great metaphorical analogy to a dating life that is not relevant in my life whatsoever, not even a speck real. A girl can dream, but until then it's just crazy stooopid love.

E-Meet

I don't know what I just committed myself to, I really don't. At the end of the day, I always resort to chalking   these things up as an experience. It's all it really is.

A good friend came over the other day and mentioned setting up an online dating profile for me to again, "put myself out there." I had no idea what this really consists of, but agreed to go with it since really let's be honest...my life right now consists of work, work, shop, and more work. So with that reason and that reason only, I agreed to it. I was down. After a couple of glasses of wine, and approximately 10 cookies later I was signed up for not one, but two different dating sites. I am going to stop right here and put in the disclaimer that I was formally approached by said dating site as a "selected member." So for this one I wasn't at all interested in dating per say, but more so interested in this site that seemed like the Silicon Valley edition of either E-Harmony or Match.com. It was interesting, and I wanted to see how its business model differed. After being hand selected to be one of the few to test this elite dating site, I wasn't sure if I felt flattered that I was chosen...or embarrassed that I was single? As if some alien force was telling these entrepreneurs "hey this chick right here is deathly single, hook her up."

After a couple of profile updates and avatar images later, I was all set up and ready to go with this whole new thing: Online Dating. Trust me, I'm definitely the person to pass all the judgement in the world to those who suggest meeting online and the fear of becoming one of those people definitely plagued. However, if you go in with no intention of taking any of this really seriously but just being yourself, and open to the idea - the process isn't really so bad. After all, we're stuck in this age where online is everything - so if a person is cool enough they should be reflective of that in person, right? If not...then bounceeee. My friend began clicking away on the dating site to see if I found anyone attractive. Tell me why I found someone attractive. And tell my why I found someone I thought I could totally be friends with. Am I really falling into the trap? Am I becoming one of  those girls who just creeps hard? Totally not. He just happened to pop up on my suggested matches and he just happened to have a sophisticated, but also cool edge to him. I mean, a guy who reads NY Times as well as Hypebeast? Done. Golden child. Alpha female turned on, and boom I decided to message him. It's a little aggressive but I really couldn't help myself, who cares.

The experience so far has only been a weekend but my Gmail began to flood with site notifications of people who have messaged me. This inadvertently became a confidence booster in a weird way... I don't suggest this route for anyone looking to build confidence, but to be honest it was kind of interesting to watch it all go down. The messages ranged the full gamut of the spectrum - from creepy, to deep (like deeeeeeep for a first time messenger), to friendly, to meh. I'm interested to see where this whole thing goes as I hear in New York these dating sites are a norm.

This one for sure is TBD...

First first date

I’m horrible at dating. Horrible.

So in attempt to answer correctly when people ask me if I’m dating, I decided to take on what most people call a “putting yourself out there" mentality and go for the dive.  I met this guy at a bar last night while I was out with some friends. I really had no intention of  finding dating material here as it was a friday night, and work had completely raped me this week. I noticed a man staring at me while I was dancing, who inevitably came up and approached me. Was I flattered? Not really. He wasn't my type, but I did force myself to make eye contact with him in order to practice the flirting techniques  Glamour Mag so rightfully swears by: eye contact. I decided to give this a test drive tonight because in my mind, I just honestly didn't care, I wanted to have a good time and go home. And just like any insecure twenty something year old would, I obviously practiced these so called techniques with someone I didn’t find attractive to eliminate the fear of rejection but…whatever. Baby steps. 

I ended up giving him my number because of several reasons including: 1). I was drunk, 2). He was nice, 3). I wanted a free dinner/practice date. If you reallllly wanted to get into the analytics of this, there are more benefits for me than there are cons, so long as this relationship doesn't continue. I know you’re suppose to go on dates only with people you like - but who says there are rules? Especially when I'm 23…it’s perfect to take advantage of this timing in my life. Free dinners? Why not? Free dinners AND an increase in percentage of savings? Why. Not.

This was my first time going out with a black guy. I always find them interesting, but never played into that idea. This one in particular was Jamaican and took me to a pretty cool Jamaican restaurant in the West Village. HOWEVER, homeboy was 15 minutes late after me being 15 minutes late - so truthfully…he was 30 minutes late. First thing I learned about myself #1). I’m super impatient, and I actually respect punctuality. I didn’t hold this against  him and you can tell the poor guy felt bad,  it really wasn't a big deal -  I was in  it for the free dinner anyways, but if this were a real date... this would not have pass. Next, we go in to get a table and the first thing the host asks us was if we had reservations. #2). unprepared-ness. Not a good look, man…not a good look.

He was an extremely nice guy though, already talking about taking me to other places - which was cool, but I wasn’t interested in him enough to actually spend time with him. Would rather go it alone. We continue to talk, and I soon find out he’s in hotel management.  This was super interesting to me (mainly because I had a Starwoods AMEX card and by some law of relativity...this proved relevant to me), but after a few questions and curiosities later, I found out that “hotel management" consists of managing all the janitors/maids in the hotel...and a typical day was taking inventory of all the linens and toiletries. This is impressive in its own regard, but no. There wasn’t really much to talk about with this guy - he had a good view on life which I thought was very culture driven but at the end of the day…I’d rather go take a dance class.

Nice guy, but not into it. At the end of the night, I cabbed it home and realized - this was completely and utterly fun. Even though I didn’t really like him, I enjoyed getting to meet new people and learning more about them. Not too bad. First of the first, and last of the first. On to the next, and ready for more!